Falling in Love with Where I am

Everyone has hopes and dreams.

When you were young, you probably dreamt up how you wanted your life to look someday. You probably had an idea of a dream job, having lots of money, fancy cars, a big house, a loving husband or wife, an eventual family of your own.

I believe God instills in us an innate desire to dream up our futures and to want nice things for ourselves and our families. Those things are normal and especially encouraged in children when they’re younger. It’s when you’re older that this thought process starts to get dangerous, and I am the world’s worst when it comes down to it.

When I was little, I had a dream job in mind. I had a desire for a husband, a nice house, a loving family. As I grew older, naturally those things changed a bit and shifted slightly. For example, I wanted to play music for the rest of my life. One day, I decided being a musician wasn’t practical, so I decided I wanted to be a plastic surgeon because “they make a ton of money,” I’d tell everyone who asked. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone when I decided to change from wanting to be a plastic surgeon to wanting to be an immunologist. And then finally, God revealed to me His calling for my life: He wanted me to be an author. My flesh had said, “I want to do some job that makes a ton of money” and God said, “I want you to do what I have called you to do.”

There are several takeaways from my career indecisiveness over the years. God’s plan was not my own. But, what I really want to focus on is my motivation behind choosing a career and my tendency of changing it so often: I wasn’t content. I wasn’t content with the job I had previously chosen; I wasn’t content with the amount of money I may or may not have ever made. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that at all. Desires and dreams change, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be successful in life.

The problem comes when people become so consumed with success and other people’s success they hate where they are in life. They are never able to be content with the spouse that lies next to them at night, the check they bring home, or the size of the roofs over their heads. What does it say about us when we look across the street at our neighbor who just purchased a brand new BMW and we scowl at the Camry sitting in our driveway and think to ourselves, “What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be like him?”

It’s not a lecture, it’s a wake-up call. When we spend all of our time looking at others and what they have or what they’re doing in their lives, we miss what God is doing in our lives. Transparent Moment: I always have to have the next big thing or something to look forward to. For example, when Kyler and I started dating I was so happy. And then after a year and a half I was wondering, “Where’s the ring?” And then when he proposed to me, I was elated. But after awhile I was frustrated: “When will we ever actually get married?” And then when we finally got married I was overjoyed. But after a little while I was asking, “When will we have a better place to live? And when can we have babies?”

Ridiculous, right? Poor Kyler, right? My focus was always on the next big thing. I was perpetually living my life in fast forward, only wanting to skip to the “good” parts. The worst part? I was missing out on everything that was happening in front of me. I was trading the current for the potential future that may or may not come true the way that I had dreamt it up. I would yearn for the things to come and be miserable about my current state even if it wasn’t bad. I could not be content with anything I had because there always seemed to be something better out there.

Today, Kyler was on Facebook telling me another one of his friends was having a baby. He had just told me about 20 minutes earlier somebody else we knew and were close to was moving from their apartment into a new house. I felt so sick with jealousy. Why couldn’t that be us? Why do we have to live in an apartment? Why do we have to wait to have children until we’re financially stable (whatever that means)? I immediately spewed those thoughts, and I watched Kyler’s face turn from excitement for his friends to downcast in sadness. His wife, whom he loved with his whole heart and worked so hard to provide for, was telling him all the reasons life for her was not what she had in mind. I didn’t know what I was doing to him until I was sitting in class an hour later and God smacked me in the face with this truth: You can’t be content with anything you have no matter what, and you are hurting everyone around you. You are missing every good thing I have for you in this moment.

And that’s when I realized the life I am living right now is the life I was dreaming of 2 years ago. I can remember dating Kyler at 18 and longing to be married to him, to lie next to him at night, to live with him, and to have his last name. Now, I have all of those things, and I choose to spend my time looking at our situation despairingly and longing for other future things that one day won’t be completely satisfying. The cycle continues. You know what’s sad, though? Those sweet moments that Kyler and I had 2 years ago: the falling in love, first dates, learning each other- I don’t remember all of it the way I should. I actually spent so much time worrying about what could potentially lie ahead for us I was missing out on what was happening right in front of me. I look back now and wish I could go relive some of those moments. But they’re gone now. I don’t want to be 25 and look back at times like right now and wish that I would have cherished it a little more. I don’t want to miss these moments because I can’t seem to be content with where I am.

There’s nothing wrong with dreaming. Hear my heart. I believe we should be able to dream big for our futures, our spouse’s future, and our children’s futures. Looking forward to and dreaming of things was built into us by God. It is the very concept of hope. But a big part of hoping for things in the way that God designed is patience. “But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” (Romans 8:25) I have huge hopes for our future. I have a huge hope that one day within the next few years that we will close on a house. I have a huge hope that one day in the future God will allow me to bear children. I have huge hopes for our marriage and success in life and in the Kingdom of God. But, as I am now hoping in things that I do not yet have, I must wait patiently. I must be content with what I have and cherish these special moments. I will miss these days.

I remember 18-year-old me. I would write in journals about Kyler and dream up an eventual wedding with him. There is one line I wrote in my journal one day that I will never forget. It read, “Wow. One day, I’m gonna be married to this boy. And nothing else will matter- not an apartment or money. All that matters is that I’m married to him. I want Kyler every day for the rest of my life.” Those words came from a young girl who understood the vows she spoke to her groom one summer day- for rich or for poor. May I always love Kyler in that young, innocent, and pure way where nothing else matters but the fact that it’s me and him against the world.

I have to stop comparing myself and my life to everyone else’s around me. God has a specific and different plan for our life, and I don’t want to fast forward and miss what He has for us. I don’t want to wish things other people have on us if it’s not God’s will or His timing. Where we are is just fine for us right now. In time, God will change our situation, and we will be content with that. Each chapter in life that God blesses us with is just that: a blessing. Why should I not be excited and content with where we are right now? I am exactly where I am supposed to be. It is okay to dream, but I’ve spent too much time living in the future or trying to live my life vicariously through others. Not anymore. God wants me where I am for a reason, and I’ll be thankful for it. I will live today, one step at a time, thankful for where I am and where God will eventually take both Kyler and I.